So much and so little has changed all at the same time

This was originally written in 2016…ironic that in this shelter-in-place I spend much of my days in utter silence listening to nothing but my thoughts. Let this serve as an example on how time really does heal all wounds. Although I will always carry this scar it absolutely reminds me of my resilience.

 

February 1, 2016

As I sit alone in utter silence I am forced to listen to my own thoughts. Nothing to drown them out or distract me from myself. It’s at times like this that I realize how much pain and betrayal I still feel. I think a part of me truly believed that when I ended the relationship with my ex-husband that all of these feelings would leave with him. That is most definitely not the case. I am a scarred woman with battle wounds that may be too deep to heal. That saddens me for my relationship with Heath. What if the best I ever was was left behind me in the pile of ashes that is my past? What if all of these scars have permanently changed me into a cynical shell of a woman? The thing is that I know I have no problem giving all of my love and heart to him and allowing myself to be completely vulnerable which I am quite proud of myself for. I don’t think anyone would blame me for putting up a brick wall and leaving it there for everyone to try to figure out how to get through. But instead, I’ve CHOSEN to give 110% of myself to my partner. The problem is that all of these scars are leading me to believe that I don’t deserve the same kind of love. This feeling of pain is making me very mistrusting of the love I am getting. Like there is some ulterior motive. It’s unbelievable to me how a broken heart can destroy you to your very core. Make you feel like you are unlovable. My brain however knows that I am a good person with a lot to offer and that anyone would be lucky to have me. My brain keeps trying to send this message to my heart but my heart is like “return to sender.” It will not accept the message. In my heart of hearts I do truly believe that someday both my mind and my heart will be on the same page but in the meantime I must continue to force that message through. For anyone that is going through a similar situation we must unite. We must remind each other that we are worthy of a great love. That no matter how badly we’ve been hurt in the past is wasn’t because of us…we were not the problem. The scars will take a long time to heal and possibly they will never go away which could possibly only make us better. A sign of survival. Something that we can see and know that we overcame something horrible and pushed through. I will end this by saying we are all worthy of great love we just need to be reminded often.

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