Final Thought on 2020

2020 was the best year of my life…hear me out!

I can remember in January of 2020 being so thrilled by the prospect of what the year had in store. 2020 is synonymous with clarity and vision. I just knew that 2020 was going to bring 20/20 for me. Fast forward a couple months, what was once so clear became clouded and murky. Everything became questionable, confusing, and scary. Even visits to the grocery store felt like you were going to war. I remember thinking I was such a fool for being so confident in my prediction of the year to come.

Like many businesses, mine was closed for 10 weeks. We tried to get creative with ways to generate income without being able to perform our usual services. Thanks to you, our loving and loyal supporters, we were able to survive.

My husband was an essential worker so his life basically went on as normal. He works gas/oil pipeline so nothing really changed for him…working outside and already in protective gear it was business as usual, Meanwhile, at home, I was left alone with my feelings and thoughts and the time and space to explore them. This was beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.

I had 2 very dear friends that I had very deep meaningful conversations with on a daily basis. We used the video messaging app Marco Polo, sending and receiving extensive uninterrupted messages throughout the day. I recognized the power of being able to fully express yourself without judgment and without interruption. It’s amazing the clarity and insight that lives within you but rarely has the opportunity to be fully expressed. You will blow your own mind when given this gift!

Many things that were buried deep inside began bubbling to the surface. I found myself face to face with my own worst enemy…me. I spent a good portion of my life forcing down and covering up pain, trauma, emptiness, and affliction. So, without the armor of constant distraction to protect myself, I had no choice but to roll up my sleeves and prepare for battle.

Imagine my poor husband coming home from work everyday to find me emotionally naked and exposed. That was a rough time for us. I was so sensitive to everything and he had no idea how to help me. He felt like everything he said or did was wrong which made him very uneasy.

I know what you’re thinking…this does not sound like the best year ever. It reminds me of something I just heard Jay Shetty say… “Healthy things feel good after…unhealthy things feel good before”.

Like damn near everything in life the things that are best for us are the things that we so badly want to avoid… until we do it and then we feel amazing like working out or eating healthy.

The things we so badly crave, such as junk food, laying around, overindulging in booze or snacks are the things that leave us feeling miserable.

I had been avoiding the inner turmoil that plagued me for decades…to the point that I didn’t even realize it was there…until everything I used to distract me from it was taken away and I was left to face it head on.

2020 will go down in my history as the year I healed my relationship with God. I didn’t even know I had a relationship with him that needed healing. Now I know that inner turmoil was a result of my separation from God.

Having healed that relationship and currently experiencing it flourish, there is no going back. I can’t un-know it.

Turns out, I did have the 20/20 I predicted…just not in the way I thought it would go.

What lessons have the last year and half taught you?