I began publicly writing in 2015 when I was going though a difficult time. I found writing to be such an amazing way for me to release the emotional pain I was experiencing and I knew there was no way I was alone in what I was going through. I thought maybe I could offer someone else a little healing and while I was healing myself.
I have undergone a complete transformation since then. The wisdom, strength, and courage I have developed is unbelievable. I find myself in this cesspool of emotions though. A cocktail of seasonal depression, menopause, and undiagnosed post covid brain fog…I swear it’s a thing. I had made such amazing strides in my development of self but I feel like I have been knocked down and stampeded over. Food, alcohol, and sloth have taken over my life and it is written all over my face and body.
Again, I know I am not alone. So, let me share some of the caution lights flashing in my life that are helping me see where I need some help.
1.”If you spot it, you got it”…I heard that at a woman’s retreat I went to 25 years ago…needless to say it stuck with me. The group leader explained to us “you can’t see in others what you don’t have yourself”….that goes for the good and the bad. The things you admire in another…you have…the things you criticize in others…you have that too. I began noticing anger, frustration, and impatience creeping into my heart….time to take a nice long look in the mirror.
2. Loss of pleasure. The things I used to love…early mornings, long baths, long drives, music….the passion is gone. I find myself staying up late, watching meaningless television and sleeping to the last minute which leaves me feeling frazzled…a terrible way to start my day.
3. Tremendous weight gain…holy crap! I mean…do I really have to go into this. I knew I was packing on the pounds but I just recently took a long hard look at myself and I don’t even recognize this person. I can’t muster up the energy to even think about working out let alone actually doing it.
So, I have reached out for support. Friends, family, doctors, and prayer warriors. I figure as long as I do something small every day to claw my way out of this cesspool than I am heading in the right direction. The biggest thing I struggle with though is forgiving myself. I have forgiven every offender in my life…wholeheartedly…but for whatever reason, I cannot forgive myself. That is the thing I am going big on!
So, if you find yourself in a dark lonely place right now…I promise you are not alone and there are a million resources available.
Therapist, pastors, doctors…there is nothing they haven’t seen or heard…do not allow shame or intimidation to stop you. It won’t be long y’all before we have longer days, warm sun on our skin, and a sense of freedom. We can do this!
