When I write, I try to be as open, honest, raw, and authentic as possible…this causes some physical/emotional/mental angst. I feel a pressure on my chest, a slight shortness in breath, sweaty palms, and a quickened heart rate…this is what vulnerability feels like. So, if all these feelings arise, why do I do it?
When I think about the most tender moments in my life, the moments when I felt most at ease and like I absorb and reflect infinite amounts of love, it almost always came after hearing the stories of others. These stories make me feel like I am not alone in the things I struggle with. We often struggle with anxieties, insecurities, health issues, martial/family problems, shame, etc, thinking we are the only ones dealing with this stuff. When someone shares a personal story with me, or I read a book, or listen to a podcast, and something hits home for me, I immediately feel my entire body relax. It’s a feeling of inclusivity, like I am connected to not only another person but to higher powers…God…the universe…all of the above!
I have to know that when my life comes to an end, I have left a mark…I need to know that I have contributed to the world, both the physical and the spiritual, in some way. We are each unique individuals with something very specific to contribute. I pray that by sharing my newsletter, my blogs, my book, and my verbal expressions, that I empower someone to contribute their unique gift. If I never get an ounce of credit yet I know that someone was inspired, empowered, or felt loved, I can die peacefully knowing that I left a mark.
The only way I can fully express what I have to offer is by overcoming my insecurities. I’m learning this is a lifelong process. Just when I feel like I’ve done all the work and I am feeling confident and strong…the rug gets ripped from beneath my feet and I am flat on my back. I lie there, staring into space wondering what the hell I am doing wrong, until now. After listening to “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels (See Gina’s favorite things) I’ve learned this is something you never get past, you just learn to recognize the cues that the rug is about to be tugged. Phil and Barry provide you with different tools to prepare you when you feel those cues. Hearing the stories they share about their patients and themselves makes me feel more confident…even before I use the tools.
I have a horrible tendency of absorbing endless information but not always using it. I will read a book, have countless a-ha moments, feel empowered, and then just go on to the next book without implementing the things I have learned…but it gets worse…here comes that angst I talked about earlier…I share this information with others with the expectation of them implementing into their lives when I, myself, haven’t even done that. Today, that ends!
Over the past few years I have fallen deeper and deeper into a depression, this past winter I hit an all time low and found myself having to seek help. I have come to understand more why so many people end their lives without seeking help first, it is fucking hard…like really hard. The last thing we want is for people to treat us differently, or feel sorry for us, or tip toe around us…worse yet, we don’t want to seem attention seeking. I live a beyond blessed life…I have ZERO to be sad about…that’s what is so hard about anxiety and depression…it’s not in response to our lives. I have a family that loves me deeply and I love infinitely, I have a career that I love, clients that touch my heart in deep and profound ways, I live a financially secure life, I have my health, as does my family, and I have a close personal relationship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I bring this up because I recognized one missing piece…a piece I used to have and it had me living my highest most complete life…intentionality.
In 2015, I had my most profound breakthrough moment when I realized I was about to turn the same age my mother was when she died…I began to feel like I was facing my own mortality. At that exact moment I decided I wanted to live an intentional life…a life in which every decision I made had purpose and meaning. After the world imploded in 2020, everyone’s life got flip turned upside down. Intentionality went out the window…you can’t be intentional when all control has been taken from you. Although, 2020 ended up being one of the greatest years of my life, it made me reevaluate everything. I spent the next 2 years just drifting, which in all honesty, was really great. My husband and I were able to enjoy so much of each other’s time and Spirit led us on some of the most incredible adventures we have ever experienced. 2022 began an existential crisis in which I began to feel lost…I drifted too far. It’s like that scene in the movie “Gravity” where Sandra Bullocks character starts drifting into outer space, nothing to grab on to, nothing to pull her in, losing all oxygen and hope…
After reading “The Tools”, Phil and Barry helped me remember the life line that once pumped me full of passion and strength. There are 5 tools that are shared in this life changing book:
#1: The Reversal of Desire.
#2: Active Love
#3: Inner Authority
#4: The Grateful Flow
The 5th one is a tool for the tools…they explain that even though their patients saw life changing results, once they began getting everything they wanted, they stopped using the tools and eventually started moving backwards. The 5th tool is designed to keep you focused on using the tools.
Tool #5: Jeopardy.
This fifth tool reminded me of my breakthrough moment. I was whisked back to that feeling of every second of every day being a gift. You never know when your last breath will be. It dawned on me that I was not living intentionally…I was just going through the motions, living on the coattails of my pre-2020 self.
Here is the point my friends…All the answers we will ever need in our life live within us. Just because we know the answers doesn’t mean we use them…we have either forgotten, gotten distracted, or are living in fear. Phil and Barry put us in 2 categories, consumers and creators. Consumers will read the book and then just go on their merry way doing nothing with the information they just received (exactly what I have been guilty of) and creators, those who read the book and implement the things into their daily lives, using the tools to create things that give back to the universe.
Thank you to Phil Stutz and Barry Michels for helping me convert back to creator.
Lord, I pray that You give me the strength, direction, and blessings to bring forth the vision You have placed in my heart. I pray that I am able to serve You by living fearlessly in full self-expression. Lord, allow Spirit to work through me in my works. Lord, please bless all those who read and align with this message. Bless them with the abundance and resources they need to bring forth the vision You have placed in their hearts.